L’avís

Des de petit que s’avançava a tot. Ja a la llar d’infants, abans d’entrar en conflicte per una joguina amb un altre nadó, preferia deixar-la i buscar-ne una altra. De vegades hi sortia guanyant i de vegades hi sortia perdent.

Es va anar fent gran i es va anar adonant que tenia una sensibilitat especial que el diferenciaven de tota la resta. Tenia una capacitat d’intuïció molt per sobre de la gent del seu voltant. Això li va permetia avançar-se als problemes. Era capaç d’ensumar-los a distància i esquivar-los de manera que només els èxits acabaven aflorant a la seva vida mentre que els fracassos no tenien cap oportunitat. No és que pogués veure el futur, senzillament un llum d’alerta s’encenia dins seu quan s’acostava cegament a una situació o a una relació que el perjudicaria. De tant en tant, per assegurar-se que no era una fantasia que s’havia creat ell mateix, feia l’exercici de no fer cas a aquest senyal i constatava que no fallava mai, el conflicte sempre acabava explotant. Amb el temps, es va entregar a aquella capacitat de detectar amb antelació els problemes i va adoptar l’estratègia de canviar de direcció per evitar estavellar-s’hi.

Es va plantar als trenta anys amb tota una carrera professional més que consolidada. En el terreny de les relacions personals, però, no li havia anat tan bé. No havia viscut mai una relació d’amistat amb totes les seves vessants. Quan era moment de riure i de fer broma sempre hi era però quan la seva intuïció l’avisava que era qüestió de temps que aquest amic es deixés endur per la gelosia o bé per les ganes d’explorar els límits, ell s’esborrava. Durant l’adolescència, aquest plantejament li va costar moltes discussions perquè, abans de posar distància, intentava explicar a la persona que quedava bandejada que el problema era que ell podia veure el problema i que si alguna cosa no volia, com qualsevol altre, eren problemes. Com que veia que ningú no l’entenia, amb el temps, va acabar deixar d’intentar explicar-se i senzillament va optar per desaparèixer de la vida de tothom que el seu nas, més aviat o més tard, l’advertia que el decebria, li faria mal, el trairia o li trencaria el cor. No donava cap opció ni cap explicació, no permetia segones oportunitats perquè creia fermament que les segones, n’acabaven reclamant terceres i les terceres, quartes i així successivament.

Feia anys que escrivia en una llibreta els noms de totes les persones que s’anaven quedant pel camí de la seva vida i el motiu. Senzillament, en volia tenir un record i potser extreure’n algun aprenentatge: «Aquell m’hagués acabat criticant per la meva forma de vestir, el pentinat o bé pel fet de no seguir els canons que la dictadura que la moda adolescent imposava o aquella era molt guapa però només em veia com un trofeu o bé volia utilitzar-me amb les seves precioses paraules…». Els engegava a la primera ocasió. Amb el temps, revisant la llibreta es va adonar que aquells arguments es repetien en posteriors etapes de la vida com la joventut o l’edat adulta… La vellesa encara quedava lluny però el seu infal·lible nas li deia que poca cosa canviaria. Les formes variaven, es feien més complexes i abstractes, però el fons sempre era el mateix: Enveges, rivalitats i inseguretats… Per això va arribar a la conclusió que estava condemnat a una solitud perpètua perquè tard o d’hora, fos amb qui fos, apareixeria la decepció, petita o gran, i el sentiment de dolor el cremaria per dins per haver estat avisat prèviament i no haver fet res per evitar-ho.

Amb aquella certesa fixada entre els seus ulls i el món exterior, es va anar fent gran. A més, amb els anys, aquella capacitat de veure els problemes des de lluny encara es va accentuar més. De manera, que el cansament de la vida li feia marcar encara més distàncies i per tant el buit es feia més gran al seu voltant. Ja no era una sensació d’estar sol perquè per sentir-se’n abans hauria d’haver-se sentit acompanyat, i això no li havia passat mai. Era mirar al seu voltant i no veure res que el commogués. Senzillament veia el drama, el conflicte, la situació que es convertiria en un focus de maldecaps i ja a l’edat en què el cos fa visible el pas del temps, amb cabells que es tenyeixen de blanc i la pell que s’arruga i es clivella , totes aquelles emocions, aquell sentiment de fracàs i decepció eren més i més feixucs i, per tant, els evitava des de més lluny perquè havia de racionar l’energia minvant del seu cos envellit.

Una tarda va sortir a passejar. Va veure una parella d’enamorats menjant-se a petons en un banc del parc. La seva intuïció no l’avisava sobre què els passaria a aquells dos, mai li havia parlat dels altres, només d’ell. Es trencarien el cor? Algun dia plorarien a llàgrima viva per culpa de l’altre? I després? Serien capaços de refer les seves vides? O bé s’enfonsarien en un pou del que mai més en sortirien? Es va adonar que ell mai havia fet un petó amb aquella passió. Va veure que el batec del seu cor no havia sonat mai amb tanta força que algú, des de fora d’aquella embriaguesa emocional, pogués sentir el seu «tum tum». Per un moment, la vida li va passar per davant dels ulls com un tren que no té parada a l’estació on estava esperant i llavors, per primera vegada en anys, la seva intuïció privilegiada va callar. Es va adonar que mai havia plorat per estar decebut o bé ferit. No havia arribat a odiar mai perquè el seu nas sempre l’avisava a temps. Però, i abans de l’odi? Potser en el graó que hi havia just a sota encara quedava alguna il·lusió o potser hi era en el graó de sobre. Mai s’havia mogut del mateix lloc. S’havia estalviat una llarga llista de decepcions però i si les hagués tingudes? Qui seria ell? Se sentiria tan sol com en aquell moment? Tindria aquell remordiment que li cremava les entranyes per no haver tornat mai aquella trucada o bé no haver-se deixat endur per un moment de bogeria i acabar assegut en el banc d’un parc petonejant algú que el feia volar però que sabia que també l’enfonsaria. Es podia conviure amb totes dues emocions en un mateix moment? Per primera vegada va dubtar…

Llavors la parella va sortir de la seva bombolla de passió. Se sentien observats. Li van dir de tot a aquell vell que els mirava fixament a uns metres de distància. Va fugir com va poder. Feia molt temps que les seves cames no corrien tant. S’ofegava, notava que els músculs i els ossos de les cames defallirien en qualsevol moment mentre sentia els crits i els insults d’aquella parella uns metres enrere. Com podia ser? Per primer cop a la vida, la seva intuïció havia fallat. No l’havia avisat que no s’havia de quedar embadalit mirant aquella parella perquè es pensarien que era una vell verd. Es va aturar perquè no podia més. Necessitava aire. Es va desplomar. L’últim que va sentir van ser més crits de la parella i el fred de la terra humida del parc per tot el cos. Llavors tot es va tenyir de color negre.

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